Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
