Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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