That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
