yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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