so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
wow bdsm is so cute
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