I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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