New invention idea: vibrating tampons
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
