i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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