Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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