Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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