and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
