So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
