just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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