You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
