I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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