hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
