Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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