i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize