are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
two words...techno handjob
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't deserve a penis
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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