my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
