***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
