haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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