My liver just broke up with me...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
