Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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