you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
