Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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