My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
