The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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