Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Buhtt sex?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
