We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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