After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
