Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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