You're my little dorito
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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