you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
