look no pants
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just found a bag of teeth...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
