things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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