What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
