loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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