ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
