I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
