i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
