i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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