Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
