So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
