Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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