I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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