There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
