I cannot find my penis.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
