i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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