my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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