saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
