Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize