It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
