I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
