i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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