Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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